Final Thoughts
by kaihil lover
Summary: Hilary's final thoughts as she lies on the edge of life and death. Her realizations of how much her friends meant to her, especially a certain slate haired blader. KaiHil. Dedicated to Dead-by-n0w.


**_Final Thoughts_**

Breathe in… Breathe out… Breathe in… Breathe out…

These are my thoughts as I lie on the hospital bed, waiting for the end to come. I don't see my life flashing before my eyes; I am spending these moments just reminding myself to stay alive. There are so many things I want to say, but find it impossible to do so. The insufferable oxygen mask which covers my face prevents me to do so. I guess the mask is just an excuse, even if I wasn't being force to wear the thing, I doubt that I would have had the courage to express all that I was feeling.

The room is too small for my liking. The white décor and its size are making me feel claustrophobic. Heck, even the blinds are white. The large amount of people cooped up in here isn't helping either. The room is filled with roses, but paradoxically they are all white too. The smell of flowers must be in the room, though I can't smell it, all I can smell is the antiseptic. Kai had the place filled with them, being the only one who knew how much I loved white roses. The ambiance of this room is enough to even make a completely healthy person sick.

The doctors gave up hope yesterday morning, ironic, I gave it up a long time ago. Maybe, that's the reason; I gave up hope, so they eventually did too, my friends and family along with them, though not everyone; Kai. He'd always been stubborn; it was never easy to convince him. He still refuses to believe that I only have borrowed time to live, a few hours at the most.

Kai's grip on my hand tightened, through my blurred vision I can see Kai sitting on a chair next to me. This is where he had been for the past few weeks_ ever since I got admitted in the hospital_ without leave. The others have been here since yesterday morning as well.

I feel fear, though not for what waits after death, but for what I am leaving behind. I don't want to leave behind my parents, my friends, Kai, everyone…

The more I think about it, the more choked I feel. The pain is already too heard to endure; the burning feeling inside of me seems to be getting more and more intense.

I'd been diagnosed with cancer almost an year ago. It was as if, that day was the last of my life and my friends. It still feels like that, that day was the last day of my life, as if I died that very day. The doctor had said that chances of survival were low and that the cancer had already spread too much to be cured.

The months that followed are like a vague and elusive dream. It was as if all these months had been a play, a role I had been playing in a theatre, 'cause they definitely did not seem akin to my previous life. Everything seems like a haze even now.

I feel as if I don't even have a few moments. I want to tell everyone one last time how much they mean to me.

I look at my parents and I have an urge to let out an ironic laugh. All my life I'd been asking them to come and visit, but they were always to be busy. Every time, each event of my life, there was something more important to be done. They were never there for my sports shows, competitions, or my piano recitals, they never even came when I became the valedictorian of my 8th grade class. _Why? _It simply couldn't be done; there were things far more important for them, which needed to be done. I find it unfair of them to show up now, why do they care now. What happened to those things that couldn't be put off back when I had my debate competition? What's the point of showing up now, when their presence doesn't even make an inch of a difference? I feel much better having my friends around, friends who had been always there for me. Why are they here for the past two days, shedding tears, I'd ask them if I could.

Even these last few months, months which are a miasma in my mind, the only people there to support me were my friends. Through all the visits of the hospital, and all the treatments which I went through for zilch, they were there, always holding my hand.

I see Tyson, though I have to try to focus a lot to see the fact that his eyes are wet with tears. He too had always been stubborn. He is really being affected by this. It's satirical, the fact that all my life I've been nagging on him, over the fact that without him my life would be so much more peaceful, now I feel as if I owe him. I owe him for the wonderful friends I have, whom, without knowing him I would have never met. I don't want him to shed tears over me. I want him to be happy, the thought of never seeing his happy go lucky face makes my heart wrench, and I find it even more difficult to breathe.

Max has finally fallen asleep for which I'm glad. His horror struck face was more than I could bear. I hate being the reason for his sadness. I don't want him to see me like this. So vulnerable… so broken…

My eyes fall on Daichi who's sitting on the floor, cross legged. He keeps muttering incoherently, or maybe his words just seem inarticulate to me. He doesn't deserve to deal with all of this, he's too young. I'm gonna miss him, his antics that would make me want to hit the roof. I don't really wanna leave everything behind; I want to live to an age when, when Daichi calls me grandma then it is the truth.

Ray's sitting with his face in his hands. I guess he doesn't want everyone to see his face when it's not composed.

Kenny has Dizzy switched off; he hasn't spoken a word since he got here. I hear the sound of muffled sobs coming from where he's sitting. Oh, chief, I hope you know I'd never leave if I could, but you know that it's not possible.

I feel Kai's hand squeeze mine, even tighter as a reassuring gesture. He looks up to stare into my eyes, his crimson ones seem devoid of the spirit and fortitude they once had. They seem to be silently asking me why I am doing this to him. God, he doesn't know how much I want to stay with him. There is so much I needed to say to him, if I had, had the time. I wanted to_ and still do_ tell him how much I cared for him, how much he mattered to me… still does. I chose not to tell him, because I don't want to bind him, he has a life ahead of him. The time he has spent with me is just a small span of his existence, it does not have enough import for him to give up his life and remain stuck in these few years we had together.

The myriad machines I had been connected to yesterday, most of them have been disconnected… no point of them now. The IVs which are connected to me hurt, and I want to rip them off. After so many months of this hospital routine I still haven't gotten use to it.

I close my eyes, not having the energy to keep them open anymore, feel the warmth of Kai's arm ebb, and for a second I thought that I was already… But then I felt a presence next to me on the bed, and I felt Kai's warm hand envelope mine once more. I lift my head to look up at him. His face seems haunted. I don't want him to be in tears for me, he has had enough troubles in his life. The last thing I want is for him to go through more pain because of me.

I see Kai bending down and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I feel a small smile come to my lips.

"Aishi teru," I hear him whisper. "I always did!"

I can't help, but let my eyes widen. I never expected to here those words from him. At this moment I want to tell him, that I love him back, and how much I care for him, but I can't. One of the reasons I never told him was that he'd never feel the same way and now that I know he does, I want to tell him. I want him to know. I never had a last request in mind, but I feel that at this moment if I'd had just one wish it'd be to tell Kai how much I love him. I've never felt so helpless in my life.

"I know, Hiromi, you don't have to say anything," I hear him say, his voice was so low that I barely heard it, cracking several times.

I feel relief wash over me, and I inhale deeply.

I see my parents sitting there staring at me, watching the exchange between me and Kai. I don't see any emotions on their faces. Nothing I ever did made any difference to them.

I look around the room to cast one last glance towards everyone in the room. I just can't have enough; I want to keep staring at them, worried at the thought that I might never get a chance again. I give Kai's hand one tight squeeze and look up to spare him one last glance. His eyes have tears brimming on the edges. I close my eyes, not having any strength leave to open them.

I hear the beeping in the monitor slowing down. I feel my head get more and more light headed, struggling to keep consciousness. I feel the end coming. I feel Kai holding my hand again, but at the moment I don't care. I can barely breathe, I feel my breaths slipping. I feel myself missing heartbeats. The only thing going through my mind is the need for oxygen, and the Bladebreaker's especially Kai's faces coming to mind.

I do not know how many minutes this feeling engulfed me, but I was conscious of the agony that was coming over me. The last thing I feel is a tear drop hitting my hand, which felt warm against my ice cold skin; and my hand slipping out of Kai's.

* * *

><p><strong>23rd July, 2011. 02:18 a.m.<strong>

**First thing is first. This one shot is dedicated to Dead-by-n0w, a dear friend, one of my closest, who also happens to be my beta reader. I dedicated this fic. to her 'cause I'm really gonna miss her once school starts in 8 days. I hope you liked it, Mar, this one's for you. ^^ I'm sure you're not happy about the fact that I made Kai suffer again, but like I promised a half an hour ago, I'll 'try' _ emphasis on 'try'_ not to do it ever again. *sheepish grin* I hope you liked it, and once again I'm really gonna miss you. Don't forget if I go overboard with KaiHil angst during the school year and end up in a dying position, you're going down with me! **

**I hope everyone else liked it too. If you haven't understood yet, since I wrote this for my friend who also happens to be my beta reader, this fic. has not been beta read. So, sorry for any mistakes that might have been there. This was my first time writing in present tense, so, I'm sorry if I didn't do it right!**

**Please, review! It'd mean a lot! :)**

**KaiHil Lover.**

* * *

><p><strong>This was written in memory of Fauzia Hasan who died on 20th July 2011, from cancer. May her soul rest in peace. Amen.<strong>


End file.
